Sunday, May 31, 2015

the dark night of the soul

I try not to talk too much about my dark night moments here in this blog cause I never wanted this to turn into the rantings of a 30 year old. I've captured the rantings of my 20 year old life in the old blog and felt like this new space should be filled with fun stuff and all things wise.

But this experience with dark nights seem to be a constant shadow that follows me through the various seasons of life.

However you might describe it, be it a black dog, a dark night of the soul, cancer of the soul, a fog, trying to keep your head above water, numbness, or a ten tonne ball of lead in your gut, I've come to see it for what it is - a war raging in the depths of my being.

Some days it's hard to live in my own skin. I often feel like the same insecure teenager, though a decade and a half has passed since then. Other days, it feels like  wave after wave of grief. It's like living in a constant shadow when all you want is a little bit of sunshine. I know I've just to turn and face the light, and that shadow will be behind me. But some days, it's just hard to even get out from under the covers.

Life is overwhelming at times and these battle comes in seasons. It's always lurking, ready to pounce. Everything's a lot scarier and bigger and hopeless in the dark. But by God's grace, today I'll find the courage to step out and flip that light switch. After all these years, the one thing I'm sure of is that when I persevere and praise Him, happiness will start to settle back into my skin.

"Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing Your praise" 
Even When it Hurts, Hillsong United, Empire